What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:59
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
How do you recognize when your mental health might need attention?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ive learnt so much.
What was the worst decision you ever did?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She married twice! .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I waited trembling.
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She loved him until the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I could never make a relationship work though!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It was going to be , some day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot live in the past .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im still living with it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She found it foreign!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I said to her
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Comes on , in middle age.
So, i spoilt her more .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My life is so biszare .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My family never makes their pension either.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was 9 years of age.
So whats the point in blame.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
I have no regrets .
When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I couldn’t, believe it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What did i know ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He knew the spot.
Especially a lifetime of it.